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Spike's Live Journal
William The Bloody
Other than the occasional annoyance of some demonic toads 'n bunnies, things haven't been goin' to bad lately. At least compared to previous May's in Sunnydale. Is good that there hasn't been much excitement of the demon kind as of late. Cause I for one would much prefer a good snog with my girl, than fightin' for my life in yet another bloody Apocalypse. So do hope that things stay relatively more normal for Buffy and Dawnie, at least for a little while longer.

Though this bein' Sunnydale, know that things can never be totally peaceful. Like I did get to have a bit of fun the other night, when I ran into a pair of terago demons attackin' some red headed bint that shouldn't of been out after dark. Still bloody think that most of the folks in this town have a death wish or somethin'... either that or just to stupid to figure out what's going on under their soddin' noses. Anyway showed 'em who the big bad was, after snappin' one of the demons necks, the other one made a hasty retreat. So another job well done for old Spike. Not that anyone will thank me. When the bint saw my vamp face, she ran away screamin'... not that isn't good that someone still fears me as the big bad vamp that I am.

Well for now, think I'm gonna head over to Ralph's demon bar... get some O-neg, and chat it up some. Get some right good liquor and blood, and maybe a little fun too be had as well.

Current Mood: accomplished accomplished

Reflections
The month of April has not been off to a bloody good start. Red, Tara, Rupert, & Anya are thousands of miles away in England now. Haven't heard how things are goin' for 'em. But thinkin' it will probably take 'em some time just to get settled down into their new digs... gettin' the watcher's council back on it's feet... and adjustin' to a new life in a foreign land. So am sure it won't be easy for them, but at least they have each other t' help adapt to the changes a bit easier.

The recent shake up with all the scooby gang except Harris leavin' Sunnydale, kinda killed the mood for havin' any fun over the last several days. Is right disappointin' that me & Buffy couldn't have had a happy celebration of our one year anniversary as a couple. Last April was when we finally got past all the mixed signals and confusion t' admit our true feelings for one another. Despite all the problems we've had to endure over the past year. I'm just grateful that Buffy has given me a chance t' be part of her life. To try to give her the happiness she deserves. Though clearly bleedin' outside problems with 'er friends & responsibilities as a slayer has made for not so good times as of late. Yet I have lived long enough to know that life or in my case unlife will knock one upside their head sometimes. Just gotta roll with the punches. Keep on goin' til things sort's themself out. Don't much know what's gonna happen next. Course as far as I'm concerned. Long as Buffy and 'er little Sis are safe & well. Then that's all that really matters.

Speakin' of the slayer... if is feelin' up to it, maybe she'd wanna join me for a few hours out on the town. If not, then maybe can get 'er to have a night out soon. Cause Buffy needs to have some down time, to have some fun again. Plus gettin' out and socializin' with folks around town would be a good way not t' feel so alone. In any case, I'm just gonna have a few drinks at a local bar. So right then, I need some good liquor. To just forget about all the recent soddin' problems for a few hours at least.

Current Mood: melancholy melancholy
Current Music: The Ramones - Take it as it comes

Reflections
Just when a bloke thinks stuff is finally gettin' better. Havin' not had any bleedin' nightmares the past few nights. So wasn't expectin' anymore unexpected surprises. But guess this bein' good old Sunnyhell, was a bit much to expect. Not that the current situation has anythin' to do with the Hellmouth. Has more t' do with the slayer's old Watcher 'n friends.

Seems that someone or more likely somethin' gone and blowed the Watcher's Council to kingdom come. Though as hated as the buggers were, the list would be pretty long as to who coulda done it. Given what royal pain's in the arshes they've been to my girl, plus the fact as a vampire I hate the whole lot of 'em. I'm not gonna be sheddin' any tears over their untimely demise. Actually not sure why me or Angelus wasn't smart enough to do somethin' like that back in the good old days. One woulda thought that some big bad nasty woulda tried somethin' like that before. Course most vamps don't have the balls to do such an over the top attack on the soddin' watchers. But whoever it was, the effect is pretty clear. Without an organized Watcher's Council, any future slayers would be like chickens with their bloody heads cut off. Not knowing what they are. No one to teach the birds about their callin'. So wouldn't be anyone to protect the world.

So yeah, if they decide to take on the challenge, can see why Rupert, Red, & 'er wicca girlfriend would wanna help go back to England to rebuild it. Gotta have watchers to train and prepare all those potential slayer-wanna-be's. Giles is probably the most experienced watcher alive today. So with his experience could get the Watcher's Council back on it's feet allot faster than any other watcher git. And with their magical talents, Willow & Tara could do allot to help as well. Am sure me and the slayer would go ourselves, if not for havin' to protect the Hellmouth. As the slayer, is her duty to keep Sunnydale safe from all the evil that shows up lookin' to destroy the world ever so often. And since I love Buffy, is my place t' stay an protect her and sweet bit, or die tryin'.

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Think I'll have to keep even more of an eye on her, when she's out patrollin' as well. Cause if she's off 'er game due to personal distractions. Is more likely of getting 'erself hurt or killed by some big nasty by not bein' careful. So right then. Will do whatever I can, to make sure her and Dawny get threw these difficult changes in their lives. Only glad that I'm here t' help. Bein' a vamp, I've been threw more changing times than I care to remember. But seein' that I'm not a big pile of dust. Have done quite well at adjusting to changes, to survive whatever the world throws at me. Now I gotta help Buffy and Dawny do the same. Have survived so much, includin' many an apocalypse. Gotta say that Summer's women are a tough lot, so am sure their make it threw whatever's to come.

Current Mood: sad sad

Reflections
Been a weird week. Buffy an I been havin' these bad dreams every night. Been hard to get any rest because if it isn't one of us it's the other with the thrashin' and yellin'. And not in our normal fun thrashin' an yellin' way.

Keep seein' her fall from that tower every night. Thought I was past that. It's more real lookin' than it was when it happened. Just seein' every detail of her fallin' over and over again.

I tell you it's about enough to run a fellow mad. I've stopped tryin' to sleep since I don't really need it the way a mortal person does. But Buffy can't do that, well I don't suggest she tries it the way she turned when none of us could sleep an all went a bit nutters. So I stay awake an try to wake her when she dreams so she gets a bit of rest.

I'm thinkin' the demons 'round town are wishin' she could get some rest, she's been a bit on the cranky side which means she likes to play a bit before stakin' folks. There's nothin' like a superstrong cranky person beatin' the hell out of you just because of a whim.

Makes me glad I'm on the good side right now let me tell you.

I keep tryin' to do some scoutin' for safe daytime restin' places an gettin' almost caught out at sunrise. This no restin' thing is makin' me slow I guess.

Current Mood: drained drained

Reflections
Been thinkin' about using an abandoned house or two an settin' em up so that if I'm runnin' around too close to dawn I got some places to hide in. Just have little caches of things like smokes an beer an a blanket or somethin'.

Had my eye on a couple of places. One is this big old brick place, been abandoned since a long time back, it's a nice place, kind of reminds me of the mansion. Be kind of like squatting in style stayin' there.

I stop by to see it on my way back to the crypt from patrollin' with Buffy. No one's around so I walk up an try the door. It's open. Kind of weird, place this nice bein' unlocked an all. Maybe someone's already squattin'.

An when I walk in I hear whisperin' all around. Sure enough someone must have taken up the spot already. The door swings shut behind me and I look around a bit. If the current occupants are human I'll kick em out an take the place for mine. Or I can share, long as they don't take my smokes.

I've been walking around looking for whoever is whisperin', this damn house seems to go on forever. I keep getting lost an no closer to the sounds. Fuck this, not worth stayin' here. Except where the fuck did the stairs go? This can't be right I just came this way an turned around they should be right the fuck here. An what the sodding hell is that noise?

It's screaming, that's what it is.

Dawnie screamin' from the tower, her sister flingin' herself off, caught in midair like a valkyrie. I watch her battle to keep the screams inside as the rift tears her apart before dropping her to lie at our feet broken and bleedin'.

"I hate you, I hate you!" the little Bit's hitting me an crying an I can't think I can't move. She's dead, an I have to tell her sister it didn't hurt, tell her lies about the terrible pain I saw on her face when she died.

She's lying there shattered an only my heart is more damaged than she is. With a yell I run, run away from it all, bouncing off doors and walls, where the hell is the way out? Why can't I get out, get away from it? Smell of death and blood and Buffy mixed and suddenly the doorknob is there an I'm bursting out into the cold air just before dawn.

Fuck there's no time to look the place over now, can't get caught inside if it's not a good place an the sun comes up. Best hurryback to the crypt before the sun comes up. I'll come back in a day or so an look the place over then.

Current Mood: indescribable indescribable

Reflections
Thank whatever particular thing you want to send gratitude towards, the singin's over and done with! No more telling the deepest darkests an tryin' to roast marshmallows on the repressed.

Buffy made a visit to me after they kicked the demons backside an sent him packin. Not sure exactly what happened since we didn't really talk, we were too busy takin' each other's clothes off an makin' up for the time we didn't want to be around each other.

I suppose when she wakes up I should get on with the 'I've been a prat forgive me' speech, but right now I'm fairly ok with just watchin' her sleep. Took Maddy to point it out to me, but I'm sort of noticin' she's sleepin' in my bed an askin' me to her holidays an when she's here with me, she's with me and not some memory of someone else. So I can stop feelin' insecure and get on with enjoyin' myself.

Guess I can handle spendin' more time with Harris, if he's managed to hook Maddy there must be somethin' in there I can tolerate.

Although it must be buried flippin' deep for all I've seen before now.

Current Mood: relieved relieved
Current Music: sex pistols - my way

Reflections
Wonderful, Angel Jr and the rest of the crew invaded town last night tellin' us they got a vision of us. Although since the thing came without a picture visions not really the right word now is it? So now we all have to meet up an try an figure out what's up, just my favorite thing a scoobie meetin' with even more people.

Guess that Maddy isn't as bad as I was thinkin'. She's got a lot in common with Buffy, thinkin' she had to take the blame for every bit that went wrong thinkin' she should've stopped it. I managed to catch her before she sang herself into a toasted marshmallow the other night an we had a talk.

Skirt makes a lot of sense for somone who'd marry Harris. I mean a second time without hell freezing over an all. She's right about me an Buffy, 'course I'd like to have that conversation with Buffy maybe after the whole song an dance thing is finished. Maybe she'll be a good influence in Harris an make him less annoyin'. Not gettin' my hopes up though. Kind of wish I could have seen his face after I brought her home all drunk an staggery, that would have been fun.

Time to get to the Magic Box an pretend to be interested an all until I can go out an patrol.

Current Mood: irritated irritated

47 Reflections or Reflections
Buffy's been givin' me the slip all week, knew somethin' was up the way the music kept startin' up every time she saw me. Still the little sonnet about how I was still special an all but Angel was her first love an she was worried about how I was goin' to take it was not really what I was lookin' for.

Bloody hell, I knew that she still had a soft spot in her heart for the idiot an his Barry bloody Manilow obsession. Did she have to trot it out an wave it in my face? I've had it with the musical bit, tellin' everyone every secret that's in my mind ain't exactly the way to keep your big bad reputation.

Took all I had not to give in an join her in song, felt all strange and overheated when i did it too. Like if you decide not to get into share my pain time it tries to make you do it anyway.

*music ques and he rolls his eyes. Stands against the wall of his crypt with his arms crossed over his chest*

"This red feeling is not like being blue
it's a little wild animal
that tears apart your thoughts
it eats your brain and eats your soul
and after a while
the body can't stand alone

This red feeling is not like being blue
it's a thick poison seam
that runs with your blood
it cheats your brain and cheats your soul
and after a while
you'll start to make love

Help me today before sickness eats it all
and I'll fade away
in this sweet red day called love

This red feeling is not like being blue
it's a thing called hunger
a thing called need
it sleeps with you and eats with you
and after a while
you think it's life

This red feeling is not like being blue
it's knowing that you've both loved
That you've felt the darkness
and desired it
knowing that some secrets you share
and neither understands it
and that it's not life
it's not even close"


*music trails off and he stands there for a moment hand over his face*

*mutters*

bugger this, I'm going' huntin'

*leaves into the tunnels*

Current Mood: distressed distressed
Current Music: Her Personal Pain - Red Feeling

Reflections
Well it's been 14 hours and the sky's not fallen yet. Not sure this years not savin' up for somethin' special. Last year we got to have the big brawl in the mall an got Buffy drunk afterwards. 'Though she still swears up an down she weren't more than tipsy.

Still we've been hangin' around since midnight an nothin' so far. Means I get to spend lots of time with just her an me though. Makes it more likely if there is a disaster an all that I'll be caught up in it, but solo time with Buffy is worth it.

Still one can't help but wonder what's goin' to happen.

*turns to ask Buffy a question and music swells in the background*

Of all the things I've believed in
You were the one thing I tried to hold onto
The one thing that I belonged to


*look of horror spreading over his face*

Current Mood: confused confused
Current Music: Oh Bugger! I'm singing. Make it bloody stop!

6 Reflections or Reflections
Never did do any shoppin' really. Buffy let me know she was givin' out stuff with both our names on it so all I had to do was show up. Thought about liftin' somethin' for her from the local jewelry shop but somehow I doubt that would have gone over too good.

Ended up diggin' out some of the jewelry I found when I dug up the ring of Amara. I had it hid away in the crypt, just takin' up space but she can maybe sell it off for some money if she needs it. Or maybe it's pretty enough to keep, dunno I'm not much judge of these things. It was gold an sparkled that's all I know.

Wish I'd had somethin' nicer to give her after the present she gave me. We sat around an had present openin' and then they ate and listened to music. When she said I was gettin' a present later I thought maybe she'd bought some more of that leather lingerie like we got in New York.

She wanted me to bite her. No vampin' mind you an I wouldn't want her as a vamp, she'd just not be the same Buffy you know. She let me bite her and mark her. Sharin' blood and all, it's more intimate than sex. I always did feel kind of uneasy about the sharin' it in New York since she was without her soul an all. I figured she was just bein' nice enough to not hold it against me when she got her soul back.

I just want to curl up against her an feel her and smell her blood, remember the taste.
Reflections
Is just a short week away from Christmas. I'm still tryin' to be more in the holiday spirit, and not get to bloody pissed off by every little thing the slayers friends do that annoys me. Avoidin' each other is usually the best way to keep everyone sane. Just glad they don't expect me to give 'em a soddin' gift. Savin' their arshes from all the trouble they seem to fall into every so often should be enough of a gift in my opinion.

But seein' that I'm goin' with Buffy now, guess is expected of a boyfriend to give his girl a present. Yet still not sure what I'm gonna get Buffy. Really is allot more complicated now that I'm not evil. With Dru, could give 'er anythin' shiny or cute and she would be happy. So don't think the slayer wants a cute puppy. Though some expensive piece of jewelry seems to never go outta style as gifts for ones love. So right then, need to find a way to get her a good gift. Course my current lack of money is a bit of a problem. But things usually have a way of workin' themself out. One way or another I'll try to come up with something good.

As for me, really don't expect any gift from the slayer. Bein' a vampire and all, really not needin' anythin' other than some tasty blood, some cigs to smoke, and a good shot of whiskey. Of course in terms of what really matters. She's already given me the greatest gift of all, that bein' herself. She's the only thing in the world that I care about. So bein' her one and only is all that really matters. And if I have anythin' at all to say about it, this will be a very merry holiday season for me and my girl.

Current Mood: thankful contemplative

Reflections
Only downside to bein' involved with Buffy is the damn holidays. Right bloody nuisance to have to hang out with her little scooby friends everytime the calendar gets to one of the fluffy days. Still I played good, didn't even bait Harris too much with his ignorance of the fact that the idiot game he watched all day is NOT football.

I wasn't expected to cook or decorate or tell people what my thanks were. Just show up an have pie and stuff. Not too bad a gig really. Still not really ready to be goin' to another one here just a few weeks off.

Have to admit bein' dead an all I got out of the habit of celebrating things. Mostly just took what came and had some fun with it if I could.

Oh bloody hell, Christmas means presents and fa la laing and all that really fuzzy stuff. Least they don't have Boxing day here in the states so there's only the one day of cheer.

would she kill me if I skipped town for just this once? who am I kidding of course she would...damn...

First person that approaches me with mistletoe that isn't Buffy is goin' to be seriously maimed.

Current Mood: cynical cynical

Reflections
Things have been deathly silent around here since everythin' finished. Feels like bloody Halloween, only quieter, all the Nasties are in hiding.

Not complainin' though. Had a movie night with Buffy and the Niblet. Watched some romantic schmoop that had the Slayer all doe-eyed when we'd done. Dawn said something about catching an early night and-- Well, wasn't payin' so much attention, not when I had a lapful of Buffy and a promise of those slayer muscles making me... What was it? Pop like warm champagne?

*grins*

Don't know what it is about her tonight. Always been hot for Buffy, even back when I didn't wanna admit it. Always wanted her beneath me, surroundin' me. It's more intense than that. It's like when I'm with her, every part of me's connected-- Alive.

And being apart from her, even if it was only for a couple of days, made me wanna show her just how much a vamp like me can appreciate a girl like her.

Over and over again. *smirks, holding up a pair of lace knickers* Buffy, luv? Forget somethin'?

Current Mood: flirty flirty

Reflections
Bloody hell. We pulled it off. Wasn't to sure about it at first, to tell ya the truth. Rupes had to talk Dylan down. Boy was jumpy in his own skin. I finally approched him and told him we were alright. That I no longer held his catastrophy in the hotel against him. That Princess trusted him to see her to the other side and that was good enough for me. He nodded his head and said he was ready to open the portal.

Connor was right in front of Dylan and I was next to him. Wanted to make sure that any nasties who tried to get to watcher Jr, Princess or her boy, would have to go through Junior and me. Good plannin', that, because no sooner did Dylan get chanty, Connor was approched by some bloak carryin' a lance. Like he walked right out of the screen of some Lancelot movie. He was rantin' and ravin' about there bein' two Connor's and the next thing I know, the portal is open, my princess and Stephen walk through and I'm tossin' Dylan behind me because the nasties are started to stampede.

Thought we were done for, then the strangest thing happened. Connor finishes off the bloke in armor and I get this overwhelmin' need to see Buffy. Not that my girl isn't on my mind most of the time, but this is the kind of feelin' that eats at you until you are knickin' a car off the street and headin' back to Sunnydale. I'll make sure the car is left in plain sight and will return for my bike later in the week. Right now, I'm doin' 120 and I swear I bloody well think that is Rupe's tryin' to pass me.
Reflections
Right then, didn't expect to hear Peaches on the other end of the cell phone when I answered it last night. He tried callin' over at Buffy's for me before he remembered I still had the bleedin' phone that Darla had sent over to me last year. Might surprised I've managed not to break it after all this time too, but I wasn't goin' to admit that to Angel. He was callin' to let me know my princess is back in this dimension. When things got a might sticky in Sunnydale, Rupes called Dylan for some back up. He asked for Emily and while the kid may not have went there for her, he brought her back just the same.

My little girl is alright, despite the portalin' to one dimension to the next and that blasted soul they shoved into her a few months back. Cept' there is always a catch, right? Angel wouldn't call just to tell me my girl is in town. Turns out there is some kind of prophecy concernin' Connor and a hell dimension. Don't know the lad all that well, but I can't blame Angel for being right pissed that his boy keeps appearin' in prophecies.

The way to stop this apocalypse in LA and ensure no one gets the chance to be king is for the child of the two vampires to walk into a bloody portal and destroy some kind of special weapon. Once the lad walks in, there isn't a way to bring him back. Angel was even broodier than usual on the phone so I told him to just say what it had to do with me and my girl. He informed me that Princess has taken up with the dimensional double of this dimension's Connor and the two of them have volunteered to go into the dimension together.

I drove up to Los Angeles as soon as the sun set. I'll miss her, but at least this time Emily gets the chance to vote on where she is headin'. She seems alright with the soul and sort of happy. Peaceful if you will. Meet her intended and he loves her, can see that in the way he looks at her. Suppose if ever there were two kids who could give a demon dimension a run for their money, it would be mine and Dru's daughter and Angel and Darla's son. Makes me bloody proud of her. She is doin' it for her own reasons and I don't doubt that Dylan will keep his word and keep searchin' for a way to bring them home.

I think I'll hang around tonight and help with the battle tomorrow. Missed the spot of violence in Sunnydale because I was chasin' Buffy. Might as well get a few punches in to help keep the nasties from messin' with Dylan as he opens the portal. I want to see my princess leave this time.

Current Mood: complacent complacent

Reflections
I'd managed to get us back to Seattle before they fixed Buffy. Knew the white hats would get around to it sooner of later. We were at a club, she was kind of playin' the how many pretty boys can I get to buy me a drink game. I don't mind that game so long as I'm the only one that takes her home mind.

She was dancin' and she looked up at me and her eyes glowed for a second and she just stopped. It was like she was put on freeze frame and the rest of the world went on. Next thing I know she's running out the club and up the street. Wasn't too hard to catch her, told her I knew and that we already had tickets home, just needed to make the airport.

We got in late an spent the rest of the night at my crypt. Have the feelin' she was just holding on for a bit before having to go back. Sure she's glad to have the soul back and soon the slayer bit, but it's pickin' up a big bloody weight too.

Sounds like we missed a good fight while we were gone. Guess it won't be the last to happen here. Time to put on my white hat and hit the streets I suppose.

I'm going to miss having Buffy all to my lonesome, going to miss the wild side she always puts away when she's all back to her proper self.

Current Mood: disappointed disappointed
Current Music: Fake a Smile

Reflections
we moved on from New York to Chicago. Not like it's a city you could get tired of really, but it's best to keep Buffy moving. I know those damn friends of hers will fix her sooner or later, and sounds like maybe they're finally gettin' the breathing room to do it. So hopefully without her noticing I'm moving her west so we're closer to where she'll want to be soon as that soul snaps back into place.

It's not quite the same for her as it is for me. True I don;t have a soul, lost it when Dru killed me, but I gained a demon that sort of has a positive outlook on life. Likes to have fun it does. So my big problem is being able to have fun without the whole 'being evil' bit popping up. Tell the truth it's kind of hard to tell sometimes.

Buffy on the other hand, she lost the soul but it seemed to kind of suck the spark out of her. Most days now she's better, but at first a lot of the time she seemed more like the dead one than I did, dead inside anyway.

Chicago should be fun for a bit. Eat some pizza, visit some clubs.

At least in this town the bloody cabbies don't try to kill you on a regular basis.

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: My Confession - Josh Groban

Reflections
Right, when they fix Buffy she may hate me for the blood thing, but I'm kind of beyond carin' at the moment. Not drinkin' from her was about the only thing missin' from what we had. Probably all Angel and Darla's fault, got this whole thing about sex and love bein' tied up with drinking from someone. Of course bein' a vamp is part of it, but there's just something so intimate about knowing the taste of her blood.

She about makes my head explode with loving her and tasting her. Of course I noticed that I managed to bite her right over where Angel did, that wasn't planned but it's a nice touch.

I've been showin' her the rest of New York besides the Village, course the Village is the best part. Maybe we should move on soon, but somethin' tells me that with the news we've heard about that part of the world that the scoobies will be calling on Buffy soon. Of course I feel pretty selfish about the whole thing. I don't want to go back but wherever she goes I will. If it's time for me to be mr fight for good again so be it.

Current Mood: content content

Reflections
Been interesting being back in New York. Buffy was tired of Las Vegas, guess it's charms do get old pretty quick. I thought I'd take her just about as far away from Sunnydale as one could get and still be on the continent. And knowing the city like I used to I was pretty sure I could get a square meal or two unlike Vegas. In Vegas they want you to gamble for it, not really ready to owe my meal to the local crime boys.

So I rolled us a couple of high rollers and got the money to skip town. She'll probably not like that when they fix her, you know Red and the Watcher man will get around to that sooner or later. No good pulling her out of a grave to leave her runnin' around soulless. But for now she doesn't ask how I get the money, just goes with it.

I hope I'm helping her, I know what it's like being hard to care enough about anything other than having fun to work for it. She seems more stable than when I first caught up with her. Of course she's worrying about my lack of food an keeps offering me hers. Beyond the fact that she'd probably knock my head in when they fix her she's just human now, be hard to make sure an not hurt her.

But when she's so close an smelling all like herself and offering herself up it's mighty hard not to give in.

I took a wallet or two off the subway today, think Buffy and I should go out on the town.

Current Mood: frustrated frustrated
Current Music: Snakedriver - Jesus and Mary Chain

32 Reflections or Reflections
Only had a moments twinge or two about leavin' Harris and the others to their fates in good old Sunnydale. Truth be told yeah I was redeemin' myself for Buffy, but me fightin' the good fight isn't what she needs right now. She just seems to need me an that comes way before fightin' in some doomed war hopin' to impress her.

She reminds me of Dru a bit now. Sort of broken in some way, but when she's with me it seems to get better. I keep her from hurtin' herself with drugs an alcohol an she tells me things, like how she has this hole inside her an it hurts her all the time. Seems to hurt her less when she's bein' bad or she's with me.

Guess I'll need to stay close then, make sure she doesn't do anything too stupid.

Hard to get blood here sometimes, don't know the distributors. Makes it hard not to snack a bit. There's those that like to donate to a vamp or two for cash or fun. kind of a tricky bit that, never know if your next donation will be your last.

Buffy said I could use her if things got desperate, which desperate or not that's a tempting offer. Tasting her, that's beyond intimate. She keeps sayin' it's ok an right now she means it, but if I do an she gets that hole in her fixed what then? Would she hate me for doin' it?

Temptation, not somthing I'm good at passin' up you know.

Current Mood: happy happy

Reflections